December 17, 2013 by bmcconnelluwo
Dear Mr. Moore,
It’s come to my attention that a former employee of mine, Snorky the Elf,
recently sent you a letter urging you to expose my so-called “heinous” outsourcing of all the North Pole’s elven jobs.
Granted, the letter was actually sent to Kanye West but he apparently was too busy eating fish sticks to answer.
So I am writing to you, celebrity to celebrity, to tell my side of the story in hopes of maintaining the jolly nature of my sparkling reputation.
My outsourcing of the Christmas holly jolly—toy-making, in particular—was caused by two things: extreme market pressures and unreasonable demands from the Elf Union.
I’ll start with the first.
Mr. Moore, according to Wikipedia I have been around
During that time I have always made sure Santa Corp was a premium employer for elves everywhere—an entire pole dedicated to the company, a corporate sled, fantastic living and working conditions and all the candy the little ones could eat were just some of the perks that I offered.in various capacities for more than 1000 years.
For years the most prized gifts for boys and girls were soccer balls, hockey sticks, Barbie dolls and those weird troll things. And my elves and I could make those by the millions.
Manufacturing costs were low, profits were high. Life was grand for all in the North Pole.
But then the age of digital and elven greed swept over the snow-covered lands of the North.
Suddenly smart phones, tablets, something called an Xbox and wearable virtual glasses-thingys became the hot ticket items.
Children started to demand more, more, more and suddenly the traditional, affordable gifts were no longer enough. The cost of manufacturing sored, the demand soared even higher and dealing with Apple patents finally became too much to bare.
For the first time in a millennium, Santa Corp’s profits were in the red and dropping fast.
And to make matters worse this insatiable consumer appetite had seeped into the hearts and souls of my beloved elves.
Suddenly we had a tiny Bolshevik Revolution on our hands.
I have seen Battleship Potemkin too many times to not heed the dangers of a tiny unionized mob (I assume you’re a fan of 1920s Soviet cinema as well, Mr. Moore).
The Elf Union demanded higher wages, free smartphones for all, another sled for personal use and absurd health coverage (thanks, Obamacare, way to give them hope).
The elves were eating candy like I had never seen before and they wanted MORE health coverage? All that insulin and foot amputation alone would be enough to shut down Santa Corp forever!
And a new sled?! Like magical flying reindeer just grow on trees?
The Union was out of control and the money was gone. So I did the unfathomable—the only thing I could do.
I outsourced the holly jolly and I kicked those greedy Soc-elf-ists out on their asses to find their own way in life.
Now, Mr. Moore, I realize I likely won’t get any sympathy from you—what with you being just a regular working class dude and all… with an Oscar. But please, for the sake of logic, please try to understand why I did what I did.
Greed, consumerism and unrealistic demands were what brought down the North Pole, not me.
I did, however, pocket a very hefty buyout package from Apple to tide me over so that’s not all bad.
On second thought, I don’t feel bad.
I’m going to go hang out with Kanye by the pool.