CRAPtivating Television

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November 23, 2013 by bmcconnelluwo

“If a person farts 10-15 times a day then they’re healthy. So I guess my girls are healthy…”     – William Shakespeare

What’s that? Shakespeare wasn’t actually a fart savant, nor did he spread the good word of their health benefits through his eloquent pros?

You’ll have to excuse my ignorance, I’ve been watching The Learning Channel too much these days.

The morbidly obese mother on Honey Boo Boo said that? Of course, my apologies.

Featured: The woman educating your kids.

Featured: The woman educating your kids.

Now that we’re on the subject, I’ve got something of a bone to pick with certain “educational channels” these days whose quality programming seems to have all the intellectual benefit of a Futurama brain slug.

Now I know, this is by no means an original “thesis” [I got that word from TLC too], what with all the critical episodes of South Park, the occasional Facebook post, a crazy dude yelling on a street corner, etc.

I’d just like to give my two cents worth [2 billion cents if I teamed up with a bearded Sasquath fur tradesman from the north and sold it to OLN] into this whole “education through stupidity” phenomenon we’ve got going on these days.

In my day – yes, I’m playing that card—programming on OLN and Discovery consisted mostly of informative documentaries, shows about exciting new scientific breakthroughs, forays into the deep wilderness with professional skiers or orienteering.

Sure, there was the occasional leg break or face plant on OLN when a mountain biker just didn’t quite make that gap, but those hidden gems were few and far between.

Then, from my memory anyway, along came shows like Monster Garage and the floodgates of shit-tastically CRAPtivating television seemed to flood in.

And before you could blink our beloved TLC, OLN and Discovery were filled with shows like Honey Boo Boo, Hillbilly Hand Fishing, fake Megladon documentaries and Duck Dynasty.

Our intelligent shows quite literally got brain wedgied off the TV schedule by shows not smart enough to even wear underwear in the first place let alone educate a generation of couch-ridden half-humans, half-jelly donuts.

And what’s worse is these blatantly mentally defective, need-to-take-a-shower-and-burn-their-duck-hunting-clothing shows are paraded out night after night on channels that still claim to be associated with “learning”, “discovery” and “outdoor life”.

Animated shows like South Park have more educational bearing than our so-called education-oriented shows and that’s like 75% poop and fart joke.

Don’t get me wrong, though. There is definitely entertainment value in watching a bunch of bearded hillbillies try to wrestle a catfish out from under a rock with their bare hands. You just know there’s an alligator lurking in there somewhere.

But please, for the love of brain matter, stop claiming that they provide any semblance of “learning”.

At no point in life—unless you’re from deep-woods Alabama and your sister-mother named you Bubba—is the insane rambling of an overweight “beauty pageant contestant” going to be needed in any useful situation.

So, TLC, OLN and Discovery, I’ve prepared a little infographic for you to refer to the next time you’re ever thinking of slapping on a show about, I don’t know, two former Jesuit seminary students who emigrated from Italy to Tennessee and now make their living siphoning gas from unattended Winnebagos through bendy straws

Hey, that’s pretty good—I should sell that to TLC.

Please pin this to the cork board in TLC, OLN and Discovery headquarters.

Please pin this to the cork board in TLC, OLN and Discovery headquarters.

If you’re ever feeling stuck about whether or not the launch of a particular show is in the public interest and—this one’s important—will not literally eat away at children’s’ brain matter, just take a look at that infographic and go from there.

And I haven’t even gotten STARTED on Discovery’s stupidity for launching Shark Week with a fake Megladon documentary and not telling anyone it was fake [it was obviously fake].

That’s so irresponsible and stup….. Wait, what’s that?

TLC has an estimated potential viewership of 97,842,000?

Well sh–.

That’s just sweeter than bacon, child.

I’m out of here—need to start growing a beard and deep frying some duck oil.


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